Humor

Does your sleep posture predict your photographic ability?  As an indicator of your creative potential, it’s as valid as Tarot cards, tea leaves and oomancy. We’ve analyzed the top four sleeping poses and invented your personal photographic horoscope.

Oomancy is a lost art. It’s the prediction of future events based on the shape egg whites take while being cooked. I’m not nearly clever enough to make crap like this up; it really is a thing. If you believe in the potential power of a morphed omelet, maybe you’ll fall for the rest of this story.

Position 1
If you sleep on your back, or what we call the Program Exposure Mode, you tend to rely on the camera to make good decisions on your behalf. So you set it on Program and blaze away. Good luck with that.

Our Advice
Get off your back and live a little. Spend a full day on Aperture Priority and then the next day on Shutter Priority. Don’t forget to take the lens cap off.

Personal Horoscope
Sadly, you will drop an SD XC memory card and thereby blur all of the images. Fortune smiles on you though; you create a new style of art that become all the rage in Hum, a medieval town overlooking the Mima Valley in northwest Croatia. Later you try putting the batteries in your camera backwards to see if that converts it to a projector. Makes sense. No, it’s really stupid.

Position 2
Rolled up in an impenetrable knot, the Manual Exposure -1 Stop position shows the world that you’re a rebel. You use a 1A Skylight filter to protect your lens instead of a UV like everyone else. Sometimes you even shoot without a filter! In a world of digital electronic billboards you are a bucket of poster glue.

Our Advice
You have a very, very tight histogram. We looked at your images and frankly speaking, most of them look a little flat and a bit underexposed. Open your diaphragm a tad, let some sunlight in. Are you familiar with the Auto Levels option in Photoshop? Well, you shouldn’t need to use it.

Personal Horoscope
You will learn that “bounce flash” is just an expression when you hurl your $900 Profoto A1X electronic flash unit to the ground in expectation of a rebound. Later you discover that egg whites lighten liver spots (lentigo) and begin raising chickens in your spare bathroom. That’s how you got into that oomancy thing, and the reason why there’s 60 Minutes film crew pulling in your driveway at this very moment.

Position 3
Belly sleeper, you assume the Aperture Priority pose and think you’re ready to capture anything that moves. Yeah, right—in a parallel universe, maybe. Don’t face away—you’re missing out on everything.

Our Advice
Subscribe to the Shutterbug Newsletter for a never-ending supply of fresh inspiration. You need a little inspiration. Get a new monitor, too—no one uses a CRT these days.

Personal Horoscope
Lately you suspect that people are watching you. Here’s news: they are. Ha ha, not kidding.

Position 4
If you squeeze the hell out of your pillow every night (i.e., the Auto Everything posture) you’re desperately trying to tap the fountain of creative energy that gurgles within you. Either that or you’re terribly lonely, insecure or really dig the smell of shredded foam rubber.

Our Advice
Go to UsedPhotoPro.com right now and order a camera that uses 35mm film. A Canon FTb QL will do nicely, or maybe a Minolta SR-T 101. Anything manufactured before the year you were born. Then buy some film, preferably Ilford. Get back to the roots of photography. Turn your kitchen into a darkroom (don’t paint the walls black though, you don’t have that much commitment). Develop film and make prints until your fingernails turn dark from the dissolved silver.

Personal Horoscope
Trust your friends more than your relatives if you want to prosper over the next several months. Your friends have your best interests at heart, but your relatives just want to borrow your Nikon Z fc. Tell them to buy their own. Amazon has them with a Nikkor-Z 28mm f/2.8 SE lens for only $1199.

Bonus: We Have More BS to Share
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to your barber or stylist comes the news that your coif indicates the depth of your imagination. For a personalized analysis of what your hairdo says about you, send $15 and a selfie (no stamps, please) to Scalped, PO Box 0, Bratislava, Slovakia. Allow 4 to 6 weeks for fulfillment. Void where prohibited by law, taxed or examined carefully.

—Jon Sienkiewicz

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