Humor

You remember last time, our insipid camera guru WTF (Where’s The Flash?) answered questions from Flat Mooners, forlorn lovers, indecisive Olympic skater Stylana Fenz and others. Well, WTF is back with another bagful of perplexing questions. Let’s dig right in.Dear WTF,
Is it true that the way you cross your legs indicates what kind of lens you should buy? I read it in an article in Sparks, Bombastic Airlines’ inflight magazine, during a trip to Hobart, Indiana.
(signed) Born in’49

That’s the rumor, Boomer! Following the illustration above, these are the best matchups.
A = Fisheye
B = Normal
C = Ultra Wide Angle
D = Zoom with Image Stabilization
E = Soft-Focus 

 

Dear WTF,
I want to get a camera for my husband.
(signed) Anita Shower

Dear Anita,
Sorry, we don’t take trade-ins.

Dear WTF,
My two grandchildren told me that they post pictures to Instant Graham, and I’d like to look at them, but my grocery store never heard of this cereal, and I can’t find it on Amazon.
(signed) Beef

Dear Beef,
At your age you should know that if it’s not on Amazon, it doesn’t exist. Or maybe you’re not Prime, Beef?

Dear WTF,
I’m an electrician. My gf, whom I’ll call “UL,”  ran up some charges on my credit card and frankly I am shocked. It really Hertz, but I decided Watt to do: I have to remain grounded.
(signed) Flip Switch

Dear Flip,
Maybe you need a new outlet. Go Ohm and sort out the positives and negatives, then insulate yourself and re-fuse the current overload. We’ll get UL approved before you know it.

 

Dear WTF,
My bf told me he wants a Why Dangle Lens for his birthday gift this year. Where can I find this product and how much should I pay for it?
(signed) Gidget Bag (she/her/ms)

Dear Gidge,
Forget the Why Dangle, Gidge. The perfect man-gift for any occasion is the Hail Caesar! Photographer’s Toga. It’s woven from comfy Hannibal elephant fur, Alpine edition. There’s also a unique Caesarian section for easy access to the contents. Strengthened with Kevlar and steel-reinforced fiberglass, it’s 100% bulletproof. Alas, it is not knife-proof. Cassius, take note. Et tu, Brute.

 

Dear WTF,
I need to know a surefire way to make money with photography. I bought tons and tons of gear but I can’t seem to get any customers, and those I do get never come back. I’m up to my ears in bills. Please help. Last week I was painting fireplugs, this week I’m a professional portrait photographer with a website, Instagram account and huge debt.
(signed) Phillip Mybag

Dear Pro,
The only surefire way to get money from photography is to sell all of your cameras.

 

Dear WTF,
My gf said she wishes she had a Lensbaby and I’m terrified—I’m not sure if I’m ready for such an important step. What do you think?
(signed) Uncommitted

Dear Unc,
Buy some protective filters. I don’t think you’re quite ready to creatively express yourself.

Dear WTF,
My dad said he wants a Mackerel Lens for his birthday. Which do you recommend?
(signed) Iken Tina Toona

Dear ITT,
We’ve been herring this question a lot. You shad look at the grouper we wrote about here. It’s a bit cod this time of year, but you can dolphinitely bet your sole you can pike up the perfect lens if you drop a line at Lake B&H or in the Adorama River.

Dear WTF,
I was recently abducted by Extraterrestrials and discovered they have much more advanced photo equipment than we do. Their cameras use sensitized strips of nitrocellulose material to record images in a silver-based compound. And get this—they have a permanent, tangible record of every image that can be referenced over and over. What do you think about that?
(signed) Alita Burger

Dear Slider,
It all sounds very negative to me. I can’t see how anything like that could ever develop.

 

Dear WTF,
All night long now my neighbors have been having a TIFF because of the wife’s constant Vignetting, and I can hear the husband threatening to Shut Her Priority. It’s getting pretty Raw. Should I call the cops?
(signed) J. Peg

Dear J.,
As long as they’re not Dodging and Burning, I wouldn’t interfere. They’ll come to an f/stop soon.

 

Dear WTF,
I’ve never been much of a baker, I’ll admit, but when my husband told me he wanted to delete my cookies, that was the last straw. How can I save my marriage?
(signed) Bet E. Crocker

Dear Bets,
Easy one. Threaten to Clear his Cache.

 

Dear Old WTF,
I got one for ya. What do men do standing up, women do sitting down, and boy dogs do on three legs?
(signed) Ida No

Dear Ida,
Shake hands.

 

For more nonsense, learn how your Sleep Number reveals your True Photo Personality.

 

—Jon Sienkiewicz

 

(As an Amazon Associate, Shutterbug earns from qualifying purchases linked in this story.)