Humor

The Madame Curie Electron Camera Bag, one of several included in this review, glows in the dark. After using it for two weeks, I now glow in the dark, too. Read about this bag and several other products, including my favorite: the Julius Caesar Photographers Toga.

Here's the entire assortment of new camera bags we think you'll like.

The Shakespeare Stratford-on-Avon Collection
William Shakespeare has launched a line of sling packs on Kickstarter. Several models are available, including the Hamlet, the Othello and the Macbeth. Backers who pledge the minimum receive a bonus gift of Romeo & Juliet Sleeping Powders absolutely free.

Willie’s small company, founded in 1615, is considered the pioneer in target marketing because they were the first to produce a product specifically for the female audience. Called the Lady Macbeth, it’s constructed of high quality materials, including double-double toil and trouble, and it’s stain resistant. And it will withstand frequent washings. Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

Unfortunately, some controversy still surrounds their earlier product offerings, including the Tempest and the King Lear. Some scholars believe the bags were designed secretly by Sir Francis Bacon, and others maintain that they are the work of Christopher Marlowe. Oh well; what’s in a name? Would a rose…?

Julius Caesar Camera Vests
The man who became a hero by terrorizing Gaul is offering a multifunction photographers vest that can be worn as normal business casual attire. It’s called the Toga which is Latin for toga. Made of Kevlar with steel-reinforced fiberglass, it’s 100% bulletproof. Alas, it is not knife-proof. Cassius, take note. Et tu, Brute.

The Julius Caesar Toga features a revolutionary component, the YKK self-healing zipper. Without this innovation we’d have to button our camera bags shut. There’s also a unique Caesarian section for easy access to the contents.

Rumors on social media sites suggest that JC (not that JC) had his company working on a version of the Toga that was flame retardant. Code name was Pompeii, and it was scheduled to be released in 80 AD. In case you’re not a volcanic eruption buff, that was one year too late.

Mark Antony’s Nile-Inspired Ptolemaic Designs
Julius Caesar’s BFF had a deal with life-partner Cleopatra to produce a series of exotic bags, but it was derailed because Cleo insisted that every model feature a hidden compartment for her snake. Reportedly, Mark told Cleo to watch her asp.

The widely misquoted argument is said to have taken place in the presence of their friends, Romans and countrymen. Allegedly, many of them cut their own ears off and immediately loaned them to Mark Antony after misunderstanding his stirring oration.

The version of this story that appeared on TMZ was slightly different.

Eric the Red and His Sister Pink
The Vikings are generally given credit for inventing the photo backpack, which they called the Plünder Sak. Carrying camera gear on their backs freed both arms so it was easier for slaves to row the galley ships. Early models had special straps that attached to the horns on their helmets. Later they developed a compact bag that could be worn comfortably whilst yielding a battle axe or pillaging.

The latest photo backpack from Red and Pink is adorned with Nordic Runes. Translated into English, the symbols represent “Safe Travels,” “Mind Your ISO Setting,” and “Columbus Who?”

Gadget Bag Owners Manuals
Around 1455, Johann Gutenberg perfected the printing press with moveable type and the Gadget Bag Owner’s Manual was introduced into the marketplace. The fad quickly died because few people bothered to read OMs. Gutenberg transitioned his business into printing breakfast cereal boxes and the manufacture of lens cleaning tissue. During a pandemic, the lens tissue was repurposed to address a more urgent need, and his business flourished.

Today Gutenberg’s full library of OMs is available as Talking Books wherever you get your podcasts. And many households still have hoards of the tissue on hand, just in case.

New World Explorers
Based in Rome (Georgia) and named after legendary fetes of Italian cuisine, the New World Explorers lineup of camera bags includes the popular Fair-to-middlin’ Marinara, the Penne alla Moonshine and their first bag made just for kids, the Spaghetti-O.

Wait a minute…all of these contain tomato sauce. We’ve been over this crap before. This nonsense just doesn’t walk the dog.

When the New World was discovered, explorers found immense fields of tomatoes and hundreds of pizza plants growing in New Jersey. So where does Italy get off taking credit for spaghetti and pizza? Were there tomato-less versions up until then? And don’t get me started on the Brits’ claim to Fish and Chips; the humble potato was first grown in Peru. Sorry London. Not sorry.

Garden of Eden Fanny Pack
Their first new product is called the Apple. Made of serpentine leather, it’s not something I’d pick.

Origins, by Charles Darwin
Although many people do not believe in this camera bag, it’s made its mark from the Galapagos Islands, out of Africa and up to the Arctic Circle. Although there is only one model, it is one tough specimen and has changed significantly over the past several million years.

Darwin’s first photo bag, dubbed the Single Cell Organism, became so specialized that Darwin decided the model had legs. Four at first, but later just two. Opposing thumbs soon followed, and before long the bag line was renamed Primate. This bag declined in popularity after the Scopes trial where plaintiffs made a monkey out of Darwin.

Madame Curie Electron Messenger Bag
Available in your choice of single or multiple roentgens, you can buy the size you need based on how many photons you have. Made in Poland but often thought to be French, every piece in the Madame Curie assortment glows in the dark. And by the way, you will too.

Napoleon Bonaparte Bastille Backpack Short but rather domineering, the Bastille photo backpack by Napoleon Bonaparte is engineered from rigid, guillotine-proof ballistic nylon and holds two bottles of Bouchard Père & Fils Montrachet Grand Cru burgundy, a few baguettes, a rind of cheese and one medium-size DSLR or mirrorless camera—everything you need for a long stay on a Tuscan isle—like Elba, for instance.

Fitted with quick-release shoulder straps and a popup white flag, the Bastille is easy to shed when it’s time to surrender. It also features a reach-through flap for easy scratching or even just resting your hand out-of-sight.

Travelers, please note, Napoleon photo bags are no longer allowed in Moscow.

Amelia Earhart Travel Pack
They sent me a sample but it mysteriously got lost; something tells me it will ever be found. Funny – same thing happened with the General MacArthur Invasion Pack someone sent me. It got sidetracked, but by golly it did return.

Conclusion
We continually scour the globe for new camera bags, photo backpacks and other camera conveyance systems. Occasionally we jackpot out and discover some stuff we think you’ll like. Other times are leaner, so we have to make things up. Which, by the way, in this era of fake news and alternate reality, seems frighteningly acceptable. In fact, the bar for outlandish journalism is so low right now, if you climb up on a nickel you can jump over it. Anyway, we hope you enjoyed this review and your new camera bag.

—Jon Sienkiewicz

 

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